Aurora- The Seed
"Suffocate me, so my tears can be rain
I will water the ground where I stand, So that the flowers can grow back again...
Feed me sunlight, feed me air Feed me truth and feed me prayers Feed me sunlight, feed me air
Feed me truth and feed me prayers..."
I think about the "over the hills" saying. That feeling where you are trapped in a bleak environment, but you hear about the wonderful things over the hills. Now I seen enough suspense horror flicks, where if you actually reach over the hills, there is nothing there. Just more destruction. However, I read enough poetry, and story books of hope where the metaphor is when you reach over the hills, there is a new green pasture waiting for you to cultivate.
Parents always have this way of doubling back down on things they say. For example, when I have an idea of what I want to do with my life, and a place where I can start new. They double down saying things like, "Why help out another family?"
Why? Because I need to move out of my parents' house. Everyone is always telling me that. AND, I will be paying my share of rent. Yet that makes them upset, because they feel "You can pay rent here, you just need to follow our rules." But their rules consist of the parental flavor, and I am tired of living in their web. I am not a child, and they certainly do not treat me like an adult. And when they tell me, "Want to be an adult? Get your own place." And when I present them a place, I can be a roommate with, its STILL not good enough to them, they say "Oh help THAT family?" At this point, I am willing to accept, maybe my parents are narcissistic. And, it's not their fault, they have their own family trauma, that they never worked out. But in the end of the day, they do not take accountability. I feel like my mother is the only parent, that leans into more accountability. But she also, goes back to her old ways.
I wanted to be free of them, and what they think is a normal functional family. Afterall, my dad once told me, "Family hurts each other, there is no such thing as apologies. You just wake up the next day, and take it some more. Then move on."
I for one, is tired of it. I deserve to be in an enviroment, where its not constant slamming doors, yelling, self-depreciating, threats, just words that hurt like a knife. I always thought at this age, nothing would hurt me, but I also have to be open with myself and admit things still do hurt. Not because what is being said, I am kind of over that. I think its just the fact, I keep taking the hits. And I am tired of being a door mat."
I do not know if I can officially move out of my parents home. Its a "limbo" right now. If I move far I would need a job there, so I can start my life new. I dont want to be irresponsible and just grab my backpack 'n go.
I guess all I can do now is see what opportunities arise.